Dear British Gas,

What is going on with my account

[Quoted account number]

Have you set up the direct debit properly now? It should be set in my name - Ashley Frieze at my TSB account.

You sent me a letter today saying that you are already collecting under an existing mandate. You're not! That one was stopped in June and you never bothered to send me a new form when I took over the account - despite my asking…

Please write to me confirming every detail of how much I currently owe you, which direct debit you are using and the colour of the gas-man's pyjamas… I want to know that YOU have got it right this time. I cannot be bothered to wait for your system to sort itself out.

Ashley Frieze.