Oh dear. If you told me that my life would come to this I'd be remarkably surprised.

I never believed that I'd find Hartlepool so familiar, or that I'd end up dancing in a Hartlepool nightclub among the bizarre mixture of folks on display, or that an innocent jaunt along a street would lead to some girl attempt to expose herself (in front of her boyfriend) to me - to demonstrate that she usually conceals her bosom but that it's quite generous if you reveal it, or that I'd end up going happy shopper again in a Tesco in a far off land.

Actually, going happy shopper was one of tonight's highlights. I pushed a friend round Tesco in a shopping trolley. It was the funniest thing that has ever happened in Hartlepool. We bought some sandwiches and he sat in the trolley. The deal was, however, that we acted as though we were doing nothing out of the ordinary. How happy shopper is that!? It's hard to put a scale on things.

"It's times like these when my mind turns to pasta salad."